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Jeffrey Moro '13
This is my blog. Welcome to my little corner of the internet. I feel like I’m making it big now: when I hear MSNBC reports about the blogosphere, I can go ahead and replace “blogosphere” or “bloggers” or “new media” or “social media” or “Twitter” or “Facebook” or “Anthony Weiner” with my name. I recommend you do the same.
(Me. Irritated that it took me three days of having this blog to figure out how to make pictures normal-sized.)
(A slightly more characteristic picture of me.)
(WHOA NELLY HI THERE EXCITED JULIE)
Right—you have to know who I am. I’m Jeffrey Moro, a rising junior here at Amherst College, and one of your intrepid admissions interns for the summer of 2011. I’m an English and Theater & Dance double major (I have to use the ampersand not only at my department’s behest but also so that you don’t think I actually have three majors) from Johns Creek, GA, which if you look it up in Google Earth (no, go ahead, I’ll wait right here for you) looks like the opening credits of Showtime’s Weeds. What does my pedigree mean for you? I could make a running gag of my Southern heritage—perhaps drop a Paula Deen recipe every time I mention the South. (http://www.foodnetwork.com/recipes/paula-deen/paulas-fried-butter-balls-recipe/index.html). Alternatively, I could link to a Paula Deen recipe every time I mention my Theater & Dance major. (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=btq3u7oi7K8)
Clearly things are getting out of hand on this blog very quickly. So here are some ground rules that I’m going to follow to make sure that I don’t get lost on YouTube every time I sit down to write post.
NUMBER ONE: This blog is for you, the reader. Whether you’re a lost applicant winding your way across the New England wastes or one of my friends sending me joke emails asking me to post more videos of Paula Deen getting hit in the face, I’m here for you. So send me your questions, comments, concerns, or requests to email@example.com. I will avoid answering them in a timely manner.
NUMBER TWO: Thou shalt not start a list of attributes and realize you can’t even get past number two. Yeesh. It’s gonna be a long summer. Email me. So that I have something to talk about.
Jeffrey's Blog Entries
My, What a Long Strange Journey It's Been
You can almost hear Green Day's "Good Riddance (Time of Your Life)" wafting over the September air as my stint in the Admission Office AND ALSO as blogger extraordinaire comes to a close. Well, either that, or "(I've Had) The Time of My Life." Or "Nothing Compares 2 U." Your call.
Now, I'm aware that there's been some Controversy around these blogs recently. Some people concerned that I'm not posting quickly or consistently enough. Some people concerned that Julie's hair can't really be that shiny. That Rachel looks too much like a starfish. I assure you, your humble interns have been nothing if not true to you, the reader. You are our rock. You are our IIIIIIIIIISLAND.
Things I have done this summer, in an effort to recap:
—Given approximately 150 tours
—Sat in on as many information sessions
—Taken 467 calls
—Apologized for the dean being unavailable to answer those calls 400 times
—Been to Puffer's Pond four times
—Picked berries once
—Lost trivia once
—Been to Cooley Dickinson Hospital twice
—Told people that information sessions were held a 9, 11, 1, and 3 and tours at 10, 12, 2, and 4 PM 300 times.
—Eaten about 50 Jolly Ranchers
—Gone through 140 coffee machine pods
—Eaten at least 40 bagels
—Listened to countless stupid jokes about Williams
—But not Harvard
—Received about eight to ten emails from prospective students
—Have answered none of them
You are all beautiful, iridescent beings of light who deserve much more than my paltry blog posts. I'm out for the summer, but if you need me, just email me at firstname.lastname@example.org. I'll write back eventually. I promise.
In the previous blog entry, "Heatwave," I attempted to reference the early-2000's hit song "Hot in Herre," which all of you remember from your first middle school dance and that terribly awkward time you asked that girl to dance with you, but you stammered and instead of "Would you like to dance with me?" it came out "Shma sham blurble PANTS ME" and then you walked over to the punch bowl and softly cried while Darren swooped in and stole Betsy away from you, engendering a decade's worth of angst and a trouble Dungeons and Dragons habit.
It has been pointed out to me by good friend and avid blog reader Snellie Snender (all names have been changed to protect the people who don't go here) that "Hot in Herre" is by Nelly, rather than Nellie. Nellie is the first name of Mrs. Lovett, a character from the Sondheim musical Sweeney Todd. You can see how I would be confused.
In other news, it's 10:23 PM in Amherst and the heat has yet to break. I type this from a futon that I am slowly glomming to because of the radiant humidity. I'm also nursing a sunburn across my upper back and left arm upon which I can't satisfactorily lay down, all as a result of an otherwise-excellent pool party hosted by Greg Leslie '10, at which my fellow blogger Julie Keresztes made a right fool of herself and a jolly good time was had by all.
Now if you'll excuse me, I need to go pass out from heatstroke. Send me your questions to email@example.com, but do it quickly, for soon I will pass into the cyclops furnaces of Hephaestus and get all wrinkly.
I took this job for a number of reasons. Yes, I love Amherst College, and I love being able to tell all of these prospective students about how wonderful this place is, but mostly I wanted to get out of Atlanta, Georgia in the summer. We have this thing in the south called “humidity,” and before anyone else in any part of the nation tries to tell me about how humid they are, let me just stop you: you’re not humid, you’re weak.
Humidity means that the sun isn’t what’s hot; it’s the air itself around you. Normally we fix this back in Georgia with air conditioning, a magical device that bends the very molecules to its chilly will. For all my life, I’ve taken air conditioning for granted. It was always there, wrapping me in its freon embrace. It coddles me to sleep at night and whispers CFCs in my ear.
The north has no such luxury. It gets warm in the summer, but no one notices that. All you hear is complaining about the snow, the cold, the ice, the snow, the wind, the rain, the snow, the snow, the snow—yes, there’s snow. Like fifteen feet this past winter. But can’t we look beyond the snow to something a little more important? Like the fact that there are four seasons up here, unlike most of everywhere else (which is, if you ask me, more an empirical sign that all of my elementary school textbooks were written for and by New Englanders)—and all of these seasons compete for your attention? The buildings are made for the cold, not for the heat.
But you’re not interested in the heat, because no doubt you’re inundated in it yourselves. If you have air conditioning, though, take a minute from your day to appreciate that which the rest of us do not have.
A quick report on how Admissions are rolling: as the heat rises, so do our total number of visitors. If you’re reading this, and you’re going to embark on college tours any summer in the future, go as early as possible. Don’t deal with July crowds, no matter how attractive the proposition may be. Plus, Amherst is undergoing a lot of construction right now—cleaning vines off of buildings, putting a cafe in the library—that it makes giving tours more than a little difficult. No less wonderful, but still difficult.
I’m writing this blog entry in Mac OS X Lion. I jumped—I couldn’t resist a fancy new operating system. I recommend it. It feels a whole lot faster than Snow Leopard, which was already ridiculously fast. Plus I never have to worry about saving anything ever again, and as someone who never really mastered the compulsive save, it’s a life-saver.
To those of you who are worried about infrequent blog entries, it’s because I care so much about you. I would never give you sub-standard product. Especially you, Debbie. You deserve the best this blog has to offer.
Tonight, I’m avoiding the dorms. I don’t care if I waste until 2 in the morning at Rao’s Coffee Shop (I don’t recommend trying—they’ll kick you to the curb faster than you can slurp up your iced chai latte), I’m not going back to the air conditioning. Clubbing, anyone?
PS I have a heatwave playlist, but I figured endorsing Nellie's "Hot in Herre" was a bit of a blog faux pas. Wait. Oops.
Go look at Rachel's blog
because this is my formal response
Happy weekend everyone!
I'm Gonna Make This Happen
(Expansion of question two in the blog post below.)
Feel the burn, Keresztes.
My New Blog, Brought to You By Elias Johansson-Miller and The Lord of the Rings (By Which I Mean That This Blog Is Brought To You Also By The Lord of the Rings, Not That Elias is Sauron. There Is Only One Lord of the Rings. And He Does Not Share Power.)
I received an email a few weeks back with some topics that I was requested to write about in this here blog. Allow me address them for the reading public.
1) My favorite Bookmill sandwich.
We have an absolutely wonderful place here in the Pioneer Valley called the Montague Bookmill (slogan: “Books you don’t need in a place you can’t find.”) I went up there for my birthday and had dinner, and as such got the opportunity to try one of their café’s delightful sandwiches. Since I’ve only ever had one of their sandwiches, it is de facto my favorite (although my girlfriend, who accompanied me, had a delicious cheese and tomato sandwich that might rank up there)—the tofu and peanut panini. It was tofu with a peanut satay sauce and pickled cabbage. SIGN ME UP. Kimchi is one of man’s greatest inventions, and covering a sandwich with it is all right in my book. I also picked up two books, one on vocal training and another on 1950’s classroom film strips. YES I AM TERRIBLY NERDY.
2) Ways I will make my blog better than Julie’s.
I would like to point out that much of the work here is done for me, as my blog is substantially more health-conscious than Julie’s. Here at Jeffrey’s Blog, Inc., you’re never going to see any posts slathered in Buffalo sauce, for instance.
Also I update more. So win in my book.
3) The J.E.F.F. system
This one is quite simple, actually. There are four central tenets to the J.E.F.F. system, which you can follow if you want to be That Guy at the party who tells a lot of jokes that don’t really make any sense. (I assume this question is aimed toward my personal J.E.F.F system rather than the College’s as a whole.) They are:
J: Jocularity. Smile. It distracts from the beard you haven’t shaved in a week.
E: Ecstasy. Smile HARDER. Then people won’t catch whiff of the sadness that truly suffuses your being.
F: Film. Watch so many movies that in lieu of telling jokes, you can just name drop Kurosawa films from the 1960’s.
F: Finish. Wrap it up. No one likes someone who’s the center of attention.
4) The L.O.R.D. system — this one is about Amherst’s fervent religious bent.
In all seriousness, Amherst has a wonderful religious life center, the Cadigan center, which is available for students to use whether or not they practice any kind of religion. We also have Chapin Chapel, which hosts denominational and non-denominational religious services of all stripes. We were founded in 1821 as a Congregationalist school, but we have no religious affiliation now.
I myself do not know the L.O.R.D. system since it will only be taught to willing initiates under the light of a blood-red moon.
5) My thoughts on Holden Caufield. Is he a phony? Discuss.
I think Holden’s a little too whiny for his own tastes. He’s well-intentioned, of course, and I think that his desire to protect his family comes from a place of positive support and love. But I find him over-privileged, and I think it’s difficult to buy into the extent to which he can indict the world when he is himself so indictable. But I—unlike, I think, a lot of people—think this is more or less Salinger’s point.
6) Favorite Harry Potter character.
7) The use of fatalistic light imagery and Nazi propaganda in Woolf’s Mrs Dalloway.
A trick question. Everyone knows that Mrs. Dalloway is actually about the Carter administration.
8) Favorite Amherst event of the Fall semester.
Any kind of free food I get in conjunction with Homecoming.
9) Favorite Amherst event of the Spring semester.
Another trick question. Everyone knows that there is no Spring in the icy wastes of Massachusetts, and each cold winter we all sacrifice ourselves to the Snow Wargs of the Outer Cliffs.
But actually Spring Formal. Because I love me some suits.
Send me your questions and requests just as Elias did to firstname.lastname@example.org—as you can see, I take all requests very seriously because I am A Serious Man. Last comment: I did a Lord of the Rings marathon this past July 4th. I play hardball: extended editions only. I’m still reeling from 12 hours of GONDOR. Thankfully I’m going to Puffer’s Pond this afternoon, so I can slowly begin my process of recuperation. And I bought three dollar floatie from Dick's Sporting Goods, so if I drown, it's all their fault.
It's my birthday!
This is my birthday gift from me to all of you out there: click on the below tiny picture of a video camera to see why my nose is gonna be clogged all day long.
Further updates forthcoming after I go to the Bookmill tonight for dinner. After which I have an extensive selection of requests that Elias Johansson-Miller '12 has sent for me to ponder.
The B.I.D.D.Y. System, Or Why You Should Apply to Amherst College
The undisputedly hottest news on campus these days is the recent announcement of our 19th president, Carolyn A. “Biddy” Martin. The first female president at our historically all-male (although not since 1976!) institution has got us at the admission office all worked up, and when we’re not spending our afternoon reading about her impressive accomplishments as the Chancellor of UW-Madison and professor at Cornell, or her academic work in fields as diverse as gender studies, German studies, and psychoanalysis—not to mention all getting a taste of how phat her beats are (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=oVAZXZfIlNk at the 3:00 minute mark)—we’re thinking up new ways to convince you that Amherst is the place for you. I’d like to share with you the ground-breaking B.I.D.D.Y. system, which I came up with earlier today after throwing the name around as our team name at intern / Green Dean trivia last night (yes, we played under the name Notorious B.I.D.D.Y. No hate).
1) Beauty—Have you seen our campus? Trust me, that view from Memorial Hill kills in any kind of weather.
2) Intellect—Amherst College draws top students from around the nation and the world (fun fact: we're 10 percent international students). You're going to be challenged here, but you're going to grow from and love every minute.
3) Diversity—With that intellect comes a range of diverse student interest. Diversity has been the legacy of our last president, Tony Marx, and goes way beyond racial or ethnic diversity. Amherst is where you're going to find every last stripe of person learning from everyone else.
4) Danger—(I think I'm starting to reach a bit here.) Danger. Because you'll be challenged? Or because of bears? I'll work this one out.
5) ...uh...Yerba buena? Y is a tough letter to work with. Send me your reasons to come to Amherst (they don't have to start with Y) to email@example.com. And look forward to a blog entry this week about MY BIRTHDAY ON FRIDAY AND ALL THE FUN THINGS I'M GOING TO DO DURING MY BIRTHDAY. I accept checks. Big, fat checks.